The Homeless Brewer
A Tragedy in 1 Act.
Starring Landlady, Landlord, The Old Boys Network of Minocqua (or "Obnom,") Kirk, and his girlfriend.
Scene 1:
(Location: The Minocqua Country Cub 2021 New Year’s Eve Party. Scene opens with Landlady, Landlord, and Obnom on their 5th round of Old Fashioneds).
Obnom: Kirk just posted that he’s going to break our control of this city, and he’s been a major pain in our ass last year. We have to do something. Landlady, aren’t you his landlady?
Landlady: Yes, and so is my husband, Landlord.
Obnom: Well maybe if you kick him out of his house, he’ll finally give up on this town and leave us alone.
Landlord: But he’s the perfect renter. He’s never missed a payment, his cleaning lady keeps the place spotless, and he’s even used his own money to fix our old house’s drainage problems.
Obnom: Just take a page out of Waukesha's playbook, where all they have to do to remove the “undesirables” from their neighborhoods is to make their lives miserable.
Scene 2
(Location—Costa Rica. Surf Camp. February 18, 2021. Kirk is reading an email in disbelief to his girlfriend)
Kirk: You’re not gonna believe this, but Landlady just emailed me that they’re raising my rent by $100 a month, forcing me to pay an entire year in advance, requiring a $4,000 deposit on a $1.15K per month lease, and removing my ability to use their garage to park my car and their dock to park my boat.
Girlfriend: That sounds awful. Why are they doing this to you?
Kirk: I have no idea. I’m like the perfect renter. I pay my rent on time, the house is always clean, and I’ve actually made improvements to it with my own money. I’ll just give them a call. I’m sure this is some sort of misunderstanding.
Scene 3
(Location: Costa Rican beach, Kirk calls Landlord)
Kirk: Hey Landord, I just got Landlady’s email and I just wanted to chat with you really quickly. These changes you want to make to my lease seem like you’re punishing me for something. Why wouldn’t you let me park my boat on the dock? Boating is like the main reason people live in this town and the reason I rented your house. And what could possibly be the reason you want a $4K deposit when I’m only paying $1.1K per month? And is charging me a year’s rent all at once even legal? Is it possible that you’re upset by my politics? If so, let’s clear the air and talk about the real problem.
Landlord: Nope, everything’s great, we’re just worried about the pipes freezing since you’ve taken such a long vacation. And as for the other demands, we’re the landlords and we make the rules.
Scene 4
(Location: Minocqua. April 6, 2021. Kirk’s reading an email in disbelief)
Kirk: You’re not gonna believe this. Landlady is not renewing my lease because she said my rent is late, and that I haven’t signed the new lease that she sent 6 days ago before Easter weekend.
Girlfriend: Is your rent late?
Kirk: Let me check....It says on my bank statement that the check was sent on March 23rd. You know, the Republicans jacked up the postal service, so it’s possible the check is delayed because the Post Office is backed up.
Girlfriend: Well that’s not your fault.
Kirk: No, it isn’t. Let me call them up. This is crazy.
Kirk: (calls Landlord) Hey Landlord, what’s going on? I just heard from Landlady that you’re not renewing my lease because my April rent was late and I haven’t signed the new lease yet. I sent you my rent check on March 23 and you just sent me this lease six days ago, and I’ve been visiting my family for Easter.
Landlord: Yeah, we think it’s time to part ways. We’re not going to renew your lease.
Kirk: But it's April, and the high tourism season starts in a month. There won’t be any places to rent, I’m in the middle of launching my new tap room in Minocqua, distributing beer around the state, running a Super Pac, and have a weekly podcast. This is REALLY a bad time to kick me out of my house.
Landlord: Yeah, we think it’s time to part ways. We’re not going to renew your lease.
Scene 4:
Location (The Minocqua Country Club. Obnom, Landlady, and Landlord are sitting at the bar, working on their 6th round of Old Fashioneds. Sitting with them are the owners of Coontail Market in Boulder Junction that refused to sell Kirk's #progressivebeer, the County Board who tried to fine Kirk for hanging a Biden sign, the Town board that thinks Covid is a hoax, the Police Chief who refused to enforce a mask mandate, and the president of Incredible Bank that continues to support Senator Ron Johnson after he was complicit in the attempt to overthrow American Democracy)
Landlord: Well Obnom, you wouldn’t believe it. We got Kirk on a technicality! His rent check arrived on April 8, so we were able to kick him out because he was late on his rent.
Landlady: The best part is that he sent proof that he mailed it on March 23. That means that we can thank the Republican Party for slowing down the postal service so we could screw Kirk.
Obnom: Well isn’t that a coincidence.
Owners of Coontail Market and President of Incredible Bank, Et. Al.: Well isn’t that a coincidence.
And that is the story of the Homeless Brewer, now looking for a place to live in the city whose name is in the title of his business.
The End...or not?
