Newsmax 11/4/22 5:00 AM
The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, known to God as the “Angels of Justice,” reportedly came down from heaven early this year to pay Wisconsin Congressman Tom Tiffany and Senator Ron Johnson a visit.
Visibly shaken, these men told our correspondent that they had had a “pretty shitty night.”
The Ghost of Christmas Past showed both men that their interviews on Wisconsin AM Radio spreading the “Big Lie” that the election was stolen were heard repeatedly by Douglas K. Uhde, the gunman who zip-tied and shot retired judge John Roemer in Juneau County. Roemer was the first person on Uhde’s hit list that also included Democratic governors Tony Evers and Gretchen Whitmer, and one of the key Republicans that forced the peaceful transfer of power to Biden, Mitch McConnell.
“It was awful having to watch that judge get tortured,” Johnson said, “but Putin has me over a barrel. He’ll take away the three planes he bought for my kids if I don’t keep lying.”
Next, the Ghost of Christmas Present brought them to Tiffany’s daughter’s house at the very moment she learned that PFAS chemicals in her drinking water that he refuses to regulate rendered her infertile.
“Jesus, the lobbyists told me this stuff was harmless,” said Tiffany, “Present, are you telling me I’ll never be able to have grandkids?”
Finally, the Ghost of Christmas Future brought them both to a high security prison in St. Petersburg and showed them two men that looked exactly like themselves behind bars.
“No way,” said Johnson. “This can’t be true. I’ve done exactly what I’ve been told to do. I’ve been promised a beautiful dacha on Lake Ladoga for handing America to the Kremlin.
“Ron, these ghosts don’t lie,” said Tiffany. “I think this one is trying to tell us that Putin is just using us and Trump, and that once we’ve got him what he needs, he’ll turn on us too.”
“NOOOOOOO, cried Rojo. “What have we done?”
As all three ghosts departed, they gave Tiffany and Rojo two small gifts to remind them of all the terrible things they had done: A Minocqua Brewing Company Trucker Hat and Stocking Cap—symbols of the truth they had squashed in their attempts to upend American democracy.
And that, folks, is REALLY FAKE NEWS (except for the fact that these cool hats do exist and you too can buy them on our website)
But it could all turn out to be true if you don’t knock on doors, call your friends, VOTE EARLY and “CHOOSE REASON OVER TREASON” by voting for Democrats up and down the ballot on November 8.